Tour day schmalz stage 3

I'm back at my perch in my office and ready to continue my duties as the non-official, non-deserving commentator for the Tour de France, I would like to thank Mike Creed for ably filling for me during my trip to Iowa, a trip filled with sausage (I can't write anything that sounds much dirtier than that) and so much beer that I think I've begun to sweat Pilsner.

But enough about my barley soaked glands, let's catch up to the race. On yesterday's stage 2 foray into the Belgian bumpy country, many riders came to grief on the descent of the Stockeu, which the Tour organizers, in their evil desire for spectacle and disaster; covered in diesel fuel and like Pacman Jones in a burlesque club, they made it rain. Disaster ensued as tightly packed racers slid down the hill like inebriated otters, and for brevity's sake, it may be easier to say who didn't crash than to mention the names of those who did. Thor SMASH didn't crash and neither did Fabian Cancellara, but both Schelcks did, and Spartacus decided to wait (and somehow persuaded everyone else to wait also—advantage Fabian!) for the waifs to make their way back to the race in the wake of Jens Voigt, who may or may not have told them to stop crying. The rest of the race rolled in neutralized, while Sylvain Chavanel won the stage, probably crossing the lines in tears (I haven't seen the video for the stage yet), as he's French, and he was probably recalling fracturing his freaking skull on the same roads earlier in the year.

This scenario was nice for the Schelcks and Saxo Bank, but the neutralized ending didn't go well for Mr SMASH himself, Thor SMASH Hushovd. Thor SMASH made it to the front group and was in a perfect position to SMASH his way to the win unencumbered by his pesky sprint opponents, but the neutralized finish allowed him no opportunity for SMASHing. Post race hyperbole would describe Thor SMASH as "furious", here's some quotes from cyclingnews:

"Why should Cancellara decide?," the Norwegian questioned. "He's a rider like us." Hushovd and the Cervélo team were one of the few to not accept the decision of the yellow jersey to wait for some injured riders and then to prevent the sprint for second place from being contested. Jeremy Hunt chased behind Chavanel for a while.

"I've been riding all day for the stage win and the green jersey and I end up with nothing," Hushovd continued. "This is not fair. Will the same thing happen tomorrow? Will the times for GC be taken before the pavés sections? If Alberto Contador or another big rider crashes tomorrow on the cobblestones, he's entitled to ask for the race to be neutralised too! So when will we race, really?"

Let me just run that through my SMASH to English translator (and yes, I know Thor SMASH speaks perfect English, but this is much more fun—read the following section aloud with an Ahhhnold-type accent for maximum fun). "I was looking to have the maximum SMASHing, and had made the other sprinters my peahens. Then the man who smells like tiny soaps that you keep in dish in bathtub, said there would be no SMASHing. How am I to SMASH the manliness of my rivals into dust that I can keep in small bottles on my mantlepiece?"

Now that we've cleared that up, we can move on to the season of Christian Vande Velde, whose season is starting to resemble a bad country music song, so far he's lost his job, his dog, his pick-up, and if thing go any worse, I fear his woman will "up and leave" soon. Well, none of those things have actually happened, but VDV is on a run of luck so bad that I fear that he's, in one of this frustratingly numerous encounters with the pavement, permanently lodged a portion of black cat in one of his body cavities. Garmin might want to take the time to xray VDV extra carefully. With so many broken bones to his credit, Christian is quickly becoming the Evel Knievel of the pro peloton—not an enviable situation. Get well soon, Vande Knievel!

Today's stage presents another fine opportunity for the SMASHing, as Thor does well on the cobbled stuff, Cancellara also is well suited to the bumps, but he will be busy babysitting the Schelcks, so he may not be a factor. Flecha also has a great chance today, and once again I am robbed of the joy of watching Toto Commesso relentlessly mark Flecha's every move. This could potentially be a stage that mixes up the GC, as Contador is Spanish and has never raced cobbles before (although he's been practicing on the cobbles with Peter Van Petegem), as the Shack people have pointed out on numerous occasions, but, of course, you also who has very little cobbled experience? Yeah, that's Lance.

Today I'm going to take a cue from Mike Creed and update live, so be sure to check back for live snark.

Live Race

Paul is telling us about a local attraction with an elephant park, and he's relying heavily on the race's media bible. Paul doesn't know that much about the local history of each village, he's reading from the media guide provided by the Tour. One year I would love to sneak in a fake media guide to trip him up. "This area of France is know for having the highest concentration of syphilis infections." In fact, I like that notion. perhaps there should be fake media guide "facts" throughout the rest of this stage.

86 k to go, the leaders are about to hit the cobbles, Euskatel riders about to fall over like fainting goats.

84k to go That cobble section lasted about 350 meters. Larry King has had belches longer than that.

81k to go Ryder Hesjedal is in the break in front of the race, with about a 2 minute gap. Also in the group is Pavel Brutt of Katusha, who has a gift for attempting to screw his breakaway companions over late in the race—he's almost like a mini-toto in the making!

"The main exports of this area of France are potash and despair."

73k to go Jens and Fab go to the front, Caisse d'Epargne vomit in their mouths.

There's Dumoulin at the team car, a man so short he asks Levi about the weather "up there".

71k to go Simon Gerrans goes down, get up, retains Aussiness.

"In the fourteenth century, inhabitants of this region were able to repel invading armies using only stones and body odor."  

Paul is explaining that cycling is a team sport. I would love to be in the VS production meetings, "OK, guys we will need you to explain drafting again to the audience." I'm always amazed that they feel the need to explain to the newly minted cycling fans (ahem, perhaps those with yellow wristbands) the basics of drafting, a concept that even NASCAR doesn't feel the need to explain to its fans. I mean, c'mon, even lobsters understand drafting.

64k to go Muravyev back at the Shack car, getting his back pockets loaded with nitro glycerin for his dive into Alberto's spokes.

OK, my VS Tour tracker, while delightful, keeps requiring me to log in.

"In the 1700s, local mines in this area used ugly children as 'breathing gargoyles' to deter theft." 

58 k to go. We're 15 k from the next cobble section, and 16 k away from Inaki Isasi Flores shrieking like a lemur. 

54k to go. We've got a lot of castle shots going on, which means the race is boring.

51k to go. We're starting to have a race here. Fab motoring at the front. How's that for a quality pun?

48k to go. Renshaw goes back to bring Cav back to the race so he can ride into someone's spokes at the finish.

47k to go. Jens at the front, prompting the masters field at Prospect park to swoon.

"All of the castles in this area have floor plans based on drawing of genitals, that's why this region is known as naughties." 

45k to go. Jens still on front, Thor SMASH up near the front also. We're about 15 k away from Brutt's pointless and annoying solo attack.

44k to go. The Shack goes to the front, this break's best chance is for the pack to take a detour over the Stockeu.

42k to go. Maybe it's the beer sweat talking, but these cobble sections seem very brief. Thor SMASH staying near the front in the cobbles. Oh, SMASH...

And my VS tracker goes logged out, I will now attempt to wear out my refresh button.

Is the Tour breaking the internet?28k to go. Did I miss anything? Looks like the break is going to be caught. The break hits the cobbles. Berto just did a bunny hop. Lance tries to get him DQ'd for a dangerous move.

26k to go. CRASH! Frank Schleck hits the dirt! Wow he just crumbled! Mayhem! Chaos! Commercial on the TV feed!

25 k to go, does Fab push or wait for Fredo?

24k to go. Andy Schelck and Cadel dropping Lance on the cobbles, have dogs just learned long division?

Ryder at the front, Thor SMASH in next group.

Can Phil and Paul maybe let us know if Berto is ahead of Lance? 

21k to go. Do I smell a SMASH here?

20k to go. Mayhem! I'm not denying that this is delightful.

17k to go. The tracker says that Ryder has 30 secs on the Schleck group. Lance 61 seconds behind, Berto (and cancer) at 1:41.

17k to go. Fab hitting the stones, Contador getting back to Lance, behaving in an un-Spanish fashion.

15k to go. Does Lance have a flat? He and Popo together. New wheel on Lance's bike.

Go Ryder!!14k to go, now we have a race.

Is Phil drunk?

Has Berto dropped Lance?

12 k to go. We have the race of the year on and we have two addled Brits that have no idea what's going on! Time gaps!!!

11k to go. I think Berto is either winning by fives miles or is still in Belgium.

Lance just has Popo with him, hmmmm, who has the weak team now?

 10k to go. C'mon Ryder!!

Hilarious that Schleck is gaping Berto who's gapping Lance.

The tracker says Lance at 1:44. Lance drops Popo, and Phil orgasms vocally.

 Damn 15 secs to Ryder, though it may be a SMASH day!

6k to go, Berto catching Fabian!

This looks really SMASH!!!!

This is a great stage!

4.4 k to go. Berto has a minute on Lance! Lance isolated, just like Lance said it wouldn't happen!

2 k to go, C'mon SMASH! What if Cadel outjumps Thor SMASH! Could Thor SMASH ever show his face again at the sprint club?

1 k to go. Thor SMASH adjusts bibs to accommodate his large onions.

Here's the finish!

SSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS (take breath) SSSSSSSSSSSSHHHH!!!!!!!

Did Vino drop Berto with Wiggo in tow?