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Subscribetour day schmalz stage 4
Wed, 07/07/2010 - 8:30am by schmalz
After yesterday's bouncing of the Tour lottery balls and the subsequent selections of some unlucky numbers, the Tour heads to more sedate territory today. Today is a classic "sunflower stage"; flat, sunny and relatively calm as the Tour rolls through agricultural country that presents opportunities for photographers to run out into the dirt and manure of the fields of sunflowers and get their shots as the peloton rolls by. There will be an early break (filled with Frenchmen, of course), but their chances of success are about the same as the chances that Versus decides to put our twitter stream back up on the Tour Tracker—note to selves, avoid calling the network announcing teams idiots.
Getting the network boot notwithstanding, after a stage that saw the Tour organizers waging war on the collarbones of every rider in the Tour (and Menchov didn't crash at all—what is going on here?); we should probably recap what happened yesterday.
Saxo Bank were probably both the biggest winners AND losers yesterday as their cobbles squad managed to drag Andy Schleck to the top of the contenders, but they also lost a valuable member of their climbing squad when Andy's brother Frank crashed and broke his collarbone, and this Tour, although he cobbles were quite exciting, will be decided in the mountains. Plus, Frank is the one who reads Andy his bedtimes stories every night (Stuey curses too much during the stories and upsets Andy).
Cadel continues to erase everything we've ever known about Cadel. During the race he was well positioned, aggressive and took advantage of the race situation to gain time on his rivals. Whereas in year's past he would've got caught behind the trouble, broken his wheel colliding with a spectator after taking a swing at a race moto and waited 45 minutes for a wheel change. This is a new era for Cadel, perhaps we'll even see him buy a dog that's larger than an underfed meerkat.
Astana managed to "flip the script" (I'm so urban!) and took the race to their rivals on what was supposed to be their downfall, the cobbles. Contador took some lessons from Van Petegem, and rode the bumps more like Flecha than Mayo. Contador also had his GC rival faithful lieutenant Vinokourov with him, and Vino held off his late attack final pull until the final meters of the race. Berto had a broken spoke and a rubbing brake and wasn't able to match Vino's attack acceleration at the line, losing 9 seconds. I'm sure Berto appreciates having another old fart joining his team with potential GC aspirations, look to see Berto carefully mark Vino's attacks in future stages.
Ryder Hesjedal had an inspired ride yesterday and managed to claw his way up to 4th in the GC, shifting the man crush to Ryder in 3...2...1...
I suppose we should mention something about Lance, in a nutshell, his team was no where to be found due to mechanical issues and I get the feeling that as soon as we hit the mountains we will see the beginning of the Janez Brajkovic era at Radio Shack.
And let's not forget Thor's SMASH to victory yesterday! Thor SMASHed his way to the front group and took advantage of the fact that Fabian had to tow Andy to the line in a bit of tactical SMASHing, let's get a quote from Thor SMASH after his victory (from cyclingnews):
"For me today was perfect; I was really motivated to ride well. I like the cobbles and obviously Paris-Roubaix and it was a meaningful day for me," said Hushovd.
And that quote run through the SMASH to English translator goes as follows:
"It was a good day to the SMASHing, I made the perfume wearing man into my nanny goat and earned maximum SMASH. Me would like to applaud the Tour on their progressiveness in allowing the lady racer from Saxo Bank to participate."
Live Race
89k to go. Radio Shack at the front of the race, pretending it's 2002.
Of course there's the obligatory cluster of Frenchmen off the front of the race, their chances of victory are similar to those of a Guatemalan Winter Olympic gold medal.
Today we will see if Tyler Farrar can yanks his bars (mildly dirty sounding) with his injured wrist. I'm feeling a Freire win today.
Phil just said that Lance used to love riding over cobblestones, but Lance avoided Roubaix like the plague. Does Phil remember the last 15 years at all?
85k to go, Phil mentions how the Tour is a big media event, where even "nature breaks" are covered. On a stage like today, a nature break is the only action going on. Other classier viewers will be averting their eyes from any whizzing in the peloton, I will not, of course.
83k to go. Phil explains what a "feed zone" is, which is basically a "zone" where riders are "fed" food. Fascinating.
75k to go. Today's stage is a preview of the Tour's final stage into Paris.
73K to go. Radio Shack at the front of the pack, maybe Janez fancies his sprint chances today?
65k to go. I give P&P some grief, but today is a day that they really have to pull content out of their backsides. If I were commentating, I'd just be making stuff up. "Damiano Cunego cannot taste anything salty, and has to be restrained from using too much 'unflavored sugar' by his dietician."
59k to go. Isn't Radio Shack wearing out all their pensioners by having them ride on the front?
57k to go. Paul mentions that a tractor is doing a lot of harvesting, but the tractor is actually plowing! I'm calling the FCC!
Cav and Robbie McEwen chatting, trying to work out a plan for getting crumpled into the barriers.
"Andreas Kloden weeps at every sunset, he won the Freiburg Twilight in 2002, and people thought he was overcome with emotion, but he was just keeping his streak going."
"Did you know kilometers in Belgium are slightly longer than everywhere else? The distance was altered by the King in 1925 in order to make the Germans feel like they were making good time when they were invading France."
52k to go. A shot of Andy Schelck daydreaming about rainbows and ninjas.
Paul tries to explain the MacGruber Fab motor controversy, that was like being the 50th person in a game of telephone at the retirement home. "Stalin rode a Diehard battery on a dirt road to a rouge factory." That should get us back on the VS Tour Tracker page.
38k to go. First WWI reference from Paul for the day, so if you had 40k on the under, you're a winner!. There will be many roundabouts on the end of the stage, I'm enjoying my Freire choice more and more. There's no way Cav doesn't hit the dirt today, right?32k to go. Paul doing a lot of talking, is Phil taking a natural break?
30 k to go. First argy bargy reference from Paul, if you had 30k on the over/under—that's a push.
23k to go. Time for the race to start. HTC going to the front to leadout Cav into a roundabout.
20k to go. The break letting the French dangle—another dirty sounding phrase.
17k to go. Cervelo working for the SMASH.
16k to go. So Cervelo has to catch the break before 9k to go, when the roundabouts start.
15k to go. Lampre helping with the chase, hoping that Cav will do another British bowling ball leadout for Petacchi.
10k to go. Break maintaining Frenchness at 16 seconds.
Now it's going to get good. HTC on the front, able to smell the eau de toilet coming off the break.
Nine roundabouts in the last 6k. This will be like finishing the race in a centrifuge.
6k to go. Pack isn't very strung out, crashiness anticipated. Will Fabian neutralize the stage?
5.3k, through the Jersey barriers, are they called something else in France?
These are some oddly shaped roundabouts.
3.2k, break is done.
3k to go, pack clustered, Petacchi tells Cav that his shoe is untied.
Lampre is in the HTC leadout.
1k to go. SMASH time?
Thor SMASH and Cav bumping.
Thor SMASH sitting on Cav's wheel looking like a horse playing leapfrog with a hedgehog.
Petacchi wins with McEwen in the mix, what is this 2002?
Dean almost won that by accident?
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Add a commentThere is a religious-right website that "corrects" mainstream media stories. Among other things, they always change the word "gay" to "homosexual"
So these geniuses let the world know about the latest race of the American sprinter Tyson Homosexual.
Baldwin deciphered:
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703
1. i hate the beatles
2. bob roll is entertaining. so are baldwin's posts.
3. phil and paul are your old grandmother at the thanksgiving day table. yes, she has a mustache that pricks like hell. yes, she says terribly awkward & cringeworthy things all the time. yes. she cannot remember people's name at the table (including your children), and constantly calls your wife by your college girlfriend's name (and its been 15 years). yes, she doesn't have enough competence to even use the TV remote much less commentate a bike race. but you don't stop inviting her. and you don't point these things out. and if someone came over, pointed at your grandma and said, "what the hell is that old bag doing here, hasn't she croaked yet" he'd be kind-of-a-dick. so you let your grandma sit there, smile at what she says, let her call your son sean "frankie," and look forward to seeing her next year. because she's old, and has earned it. just enjoy the feast with her.
4. i laughed at baldwin's last line. then i felt guilty for laughing. then i admitted to myself that i had no idea what he meant.
5. i hate the beatles
Hmm, funny you should mention a live audio broadcast....
a lot of people say the Beatles were the greatest rock band ever.....or that Budweiser is the best American beer...but in both cases it was just a really good distribution network that got them to mildly ignorant consumers in the first place, not necessarily talent or taste.
Such is the same with Phil and Paul...and for that matter Bob Roll....they're only on TV because they are on the only bike racing program on TV. And their continued presence on TV only reinforces their continued presence on TV.
There should be some internet audio chatroom technology that would allow Schmalz with a headset to talk live over a channel, and all you would need to do is open two windows in a browser and turn off the volume on the TV broadcast.....but I think that would become excruciatingly painful for him as well as for listeners after about half an hour.....and in truth the pain of Paul and Phil is made tolerable by some relevant and polished nuggets every once in a while.
Yes, Phil and Paul's sporadically polished nuggets of relevancy are tolerable. There, I said it. And tired gays succumb to dicks.
to call bs and tell them that. it wasn't funny, but it wasn't that difficult to follow, either.
hahaha... "jacopo," what are you so mad about? and are you talking to yourself, there? and who/what am i supposed to tell that i'm full of shit? ahhh. anyway.
big john switched over to ultimate fighting
yeah, call BS and tell it you're full of shit. read before you talk.
How the hell did Dave Z finish 2 minutes after the main pack?
El Pais is as anti-Lance as Versus is pro-Lance. Both are intolerable, biased, and not worth wasting your time with.
i call BS. if fear was really what caused flat tires, then i shouldn't have had any flats since that Big John guy stopped racing.
http://www.nsmb.com/images/shore_news/lance/lance_goldcanyon2.jpg
Link:
http://www.elpais.com/articulo/deportes/Canicula/rutina/platanos/elpepud...
2:53: Yes, L.A. was incredible when he avoided Beloki's nasty crash a few years ago, the (in)famous shortcut. But now it is a different matter. Yesterday, even before he flatted, he was being gapped by a lanky Lotto rider in front of him on the line over the pave.
http://www.fastalracing.com/FBFResults20100706.pdf
armstrong handles a bike better than most
fbf report? small break Carbo wins, me second, sorry for the brevity, but I do have to work sometime.
Link for the El Pais story please, I can't find it over the ton of World Cup stories.
Thanks!
How about a summary of the race on the cobbles off Floyd Bennett Field?
Also results and any accompanying photos?
Pure poetry, even in translation.
This from El Pais (Madrid):
... en sitios como los caminos de adoquines no se cae ni pincha el que tiene peor suerte, sino el más torpe, el más débil. Después, por tanto, se supo que si Armstrong pinchó en el pavés fue por cansancio mental, por intentar hacerse camino por las cunetas arenosas harto de los botes de las piedras. También se supo que el tejano clavó los frenos (error, gritan los sabios) ante Frank Schleck caído, lo que contribuyó a generar el caos a sus espaldas. Además, las gentes ayer hablaban, la mirada asustada pero decidida, de Contador; del miedo sin remedio de Basso, incapaz de seguir la rueda de Quinziato, su piloto para el día, de la habilidad de biker de Evans.
Rough trans.:
...in places like the pave it is not the unluckiest who falls or flattens, it is the clumsiest and the weakest. Afterwards, in fact, it was known that Armstrong got a flat on the pave because of mental fatigue, and for trying to fray a path through the sandy edges, exhausted with the bouncing over the stones. It became known also that the Texan locked his brakes (mistake, scream the wise) before a fallen Frank Schleck, which contributed to the chaos behind him (Armstrong). In addition, people were talking about Contador's frightened but decided countenance; of the fear without remedy of Basso, unable to hold onto Quinziato's wheel, his pilot for the day; of Evan's mountain bike skills.
i like the nissan ad on the front page ... "discover the science behind legendary performance, meet lance armstrong"
Its needed, the on-line or TV coverage never covers these angles, no matter how far off base they are.
Great job!
I never realized kilometers were longer in belgium. can't wait to tell my friends!
GER or ESP?
Love the commentary. Please never stop!
How is it that in the 7 minutes that JV visits the VS booth he inputs more knowledge, can name more cyclists, and details more in race strategy than the 4 guys actually getting paid to do the job can in 6 hours?
who cares about the Tour, what happened at FBF?
No, Dan, please don't.
So I should stop?
Hey Schmalz are you reporting live from the Tour? If not, why do you need to give us a report? We all have televisions and can see the coverage three four times a day?
Am I the only person who picked Ale-Jet? I like the fact that the favored sprinters are all sucking wind. Cav pulled off the ultimate choke, maybe the team will start to think twice about letting Greipel go and not having a dual sprinter team this year. Cav is way off this year.
"No really Andre, it was all a misunderstanding..."
a screenplay of Brian Holm and Rolf Aldag popping ecstasy, listening to Stereo MCs albums and following the biggest bike race in the world. It will be the most staggering cinematic accomplishment of the early '90s.
Pretty much Apocalypse Now crossed with Night at the Roxbury sprinkled with a distinctly Teutonic wit.
So who's got funding?
like A stradivarius
Im watching VS online, blissfully commercial free!
why has no one said anything about this awful commercial that plays on VS?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbsSeVr5NSI
it's just so wrong
Lampre played HTC, did Dean even get out of the saddle?
the site,,, is carnage,,,,,,,,,,
Robbie Hunter and Cav should go a few rounds today - it's not like Farrar is throwing punches with a broken wrist.
Cabbages.
I know the Santander/Caisse script, but isn't JV talking far too much about Bert these days? Hmmm.
Is that Creed's sister wife?
she's all class.
I lost my Blackberry, has anybody seen it ?
http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/8100/slide_8100_108048_large.jp...
Creed, your sister wife went with nose picking too!
http://twitter.com/mmmaiko/
booger carnage,
Who's in c,on,t,e,n,t,i,o,n?
haha rolf picking his nose on tv
OK, finally finished Fromaggi
Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme says she will run naked even though Paraguay did not win the World Cup.
Gotta watch Eurosport coverage rather than Versus. Sean Kelly called Cunego a little billy goat earlier.
Let,,s play pick the next KM for carnage. 9km to go my pick.
Hey mike, wake up. Come on line. Boom, fuck you creed and your comma's. Carnage....
The only way Creed comes across an Adler product is if he blows it up with a M80.
So we're just treading water and making fun of Creed's commas until 20 k to go?
Wow, good find.
I bet you Creed knows who Jonathan Adler is which will prove he has more style than the so called "king of style".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Adler
You're just trying to pad the carnage count now.
fromsport.com if you'd rather listen to Sean K's soothing brogue.
mmmakio is funnier than all of us. She'll make us look like hell. Carnage
Cav for the win, carnage
Tell the Farmer in the tractor to make a hard right turn, that should make some carnage
Wow - carp talk.
Son of a bitch, Creed is at the Tour !
http://twitter.com/SRM_amy_creed
Wait, it's not his sister wife, as he's not a woman, it would be something else, right? What is the proper polygamist term? "Number two"? That's not very flattering,,,,,,,,
Get your sister wife to post here, Creed,,
Awww, I have a pro card. Carnage
carnage count Update 3,968
But King is a pro bike racer.
Cav carnage.
Creed is so much cooler than King. Maybe not faster, but who cares.
I called Freire today, which five riders are you picking Creed?
Thats what she dose,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Mike, your sister wife made another funny.
http://twitter.com/mmmaiko
Let me spell that for you Creed deja,,,,,vu.
OK, why is the Shack on the front of the race? Deja vu?
Andy,, has,,woke up angry,,,(,)!
Creed's comma rules are as follows, one is fine, but five in a row are more finer.
I called Hummer and Roll stupid. Now I'm calling you stupid for bad reading comprehension. And bad comma spelling too.
Today is the type of day that would benefit fro the announcers doing shots in the broadcast booth.
hahaha
JV is crying. You called him stupid on twitter. I thought you were fan boy #1?
Creed misspelled a comma.
The only thing here crying is Creed's spellcheck.
I was crying,, but now I am.....
Creed's keyster=Creester?
No, it's probably Creed's Ass that is still weeping from his crash.
And I'm pretty sure Creed's still asleep after crying himself to sleep last night.
I think I went "carnage" free on this one, perhaps I will add it to the "no type" list with "epic" and "Moreau wins".
How many fricking time will the word Carnage be used by the end of the Tour ? http://twitter.com/Co_Cyclist
So far they claim 3,967 times.
Please Schmalz and Creed don't add to the count !
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